“When you have kids of your own, you will understand.”
“It’s for their own good.”
“This is how we were raised and we turned out alright.”
In a previous article we discussed the reality behind these statements. No matter how you look at it, physical punishment like beating or hitting your child is a habit to break.
It destroys your children’s psyche and burns holes in their relationship with you.
It weakens their developing character, causes lifelong damage and makes them vulnerable to aggressive and abusive people.
That’s not to mention the risk of physical harm.
SO WHAT ARE YOUR OTHER OPTIONS?
First and most importantly, you have to start with yourself. Practice reminding yourself that your child is NOT upsetting you on purpose.
Learn to take deep breaths and step away when you feel you’re losing your cool. Understand that your children are attuned to your emotions, and can feel when you’re stressed and act negatively without even realizing it.
In brief, draw a red line in your mind where physical punishment is not a tool you can use.
Here are some tools you can adopt instead:
Time ‘in’. This is a less popular approach because it’s harder, despite being a treasured tool of positive parenting. When your child starts crying or acting out, instead of pushing him or her away, take
them to a safe place (like their bedroom), sit down and listen to them. You’re not rewarding their bad behavior, you’re being there in spite of it.
Actively listen. Children can be irrational, so arguing with them can be insane. Still, they need to know that they’ve got a listening ear and ready advice in you.
They idolize you. Your attention is often the best reward they can think of.
Teach them to recognize their emotions using flashcards and cartoons. Ask them constantly: how’s Sponge Bob feeling now? Why do you think that man on the street is yelling? Explain to them words like Angry, Sad and Excited.
A huge cause of children acting out is because they simply don’t understand what they’re feeling and don’t know how to express it.
Conquer the urge to shout by whispering! This can take some getting used to, especially if, like me, you’re used to raising your voice so you’ll be heard.
Practice speaking in a calm voice whatever your mood. Have your kids learn to take your silence seriously.
If you’re patient and persistent with this technique, next when you want to point out something important you can actually whisper it. They’ve already learned to listen to you without shouting.
Again, this will take time and practice, but you’ll be raising even-tempered children who do not resort to loud voices to get their way. And doesn’t our world need more leaders with these characteristics?
Communicate with your kids by going down to their level.
Be firm. If you teach your kids to trust your word, they’ll know that when you threaten not to take them to see Nana if they don’t finish their vegetables, you mean it.
Be consistent. Children like routine. They like knowing what to expect. If you’re taking them to swimming practice, explain where you’re going, who’s going to be there and what detours you’ll take along the way. Do that every time they’re leaving the house or you’re entertaining guests. Tell them before they start playing with friends’ toys that they would have to give them back when it’s time to leave.
Remind them again later. Acknowledge and reward good behavior.
To you it might not seem like a big deal, but children as a rule need help adapting to changes in their environment.
Parent by modelling. This is perhaps the crown jewel of the list.
Your child learns so much from you. Even when they don’t know it. The very best way to raise kind and gentle children is by acting kindly and gently yourself. Get a pet or a plant and show your child how to take care of it. Teach them responsibility and that it’s okay to make mistakes and to feel frustrated. Say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ and avoid using bad language even if your child isn’t present.
Create a kid-friendly environment, which is like the emotional form of baby-proofing your apartment. Stick your kid’s drawings and family pictures around the house. Try making chores like cleaning and tidying fun by maybe playing some music or dressing up and turning it into a dance party. Let your kid help you in whatever small way they can. Maybe you wash and they dry the dishes, or they help you set the dinner table. You fold the laundry and they put it in piles. Keep them occupied so you’ll avoid them going off to make trouble while you do the house chores.
Allow them to learn the consequences of their actions. If your child refuses to eat their food, don’t give them any snacks until it’s time for the next meal. If they throw a tantrum when you try to get them to wear their jackets, send them out without them, let them feel hungry or cold so they will have learned the lesson when you reveal the jacket in the trunk of the car.
Now you see that there is an alternative form of parenting that avoids physical punishment altogether. In fact, hitting and yelling are shortcuts, like taking the easy way out of situation after situation and destroying your child’s character in the process.
It may take more of your time and effort but at least your relationship with your baby will grow stronger and healthier.
Do you have any other parenting techniques to deal with misbehaving children and tantrums? Do you have your own comments or thoughts? Share your experience with us.